Daily News Hockey writer, Ed Moran, is a man of courage, conviction, and valor. We need more Ed Moran’s on the Philly sports scene. It can be lonely when you’re the only writer who’s right. It can be isolating when you’re out there on an island, all by yourself, with nothing to get you back home except the exquisite knowledge that you’re the only one who knows the truth, and has cojones enough to speak the truth. But our Ed is nothing if not determined, despite overwhelming evidence that he’s a fool.
Ed Moran is the one and only Philly sportswriter to refer to the Flyer’s Danny Briere as DANIEL. He is steadfast, if not supercilious, in his resolve. In his heart, he knows he’s right. You are not going to sway Ed. The idiocy of his position as the one true believer that Danny prefers Daniel serves as a beacon of audaciousness to us all. All praise Ed Moran, a public servant of steely tenacity.
But, wait, let’s pause to look at the Danny v. Daniel scorecard:
Philly sportswriters who refer to Briere as Danny:
Anthony J. SanFilippo
And all other writers, well, almost.
Philly sportswriters who refer to Briere as Daniel:
And if you want a real scoop, I can tell the world that Ed Moran prefers, no, insists, that he now be referred to as Eduardo. Here’s to you, Eduardo, so right, so brave, so silly.
P.S. I can’t believe I missed this. Our Eduardo refers to Vinny Prospal by his non-hockey name of Vaclav! Wow, that’s so exciting and encouraging. O.E. (Our Eduardo) is not just a one trick pony. By Golly, O.E. is true to his core. Now I’ve done some research among Philly sports writers to see who calls Vinny “Vaclav” and who calls Vinny “Vinny.” I’ve tabulated the results for all my fine readers and here they are:
Philly sportswriters who refer to Vaclav as Vinny:
Anthony J. SanFilippo
Philly sportswriters who refer to Vaclav as “Vaclav”:
Ed (call me Eduardo) Moran.
God bless you, Eduardo. Thank’s to your steadfast persistence in pursuit of a higher truth, there is peace and harmony in our little corner of the planet.
I was so thrilled when Marc Zumoff began announcing 76ers games. His was a fresh voice. He knew the game and he reported it with clarity, with just the right amount of enthusiasm. He brought the games alive. Zu was a joy.
As he settled in, I thought Zu was on a path to the greatness of Merrill Reese and Harry Kalas. There is a beauty to the way Reese and Kalas call a game. They clearly root root root for the good guys, but they tell a creditable story, while not getting in the way of that story. Yes, Zu was headed in that august direction, but sadly (and I AM sad about this) he has become a cliché-ridden bore. And worse, the clichés are of his own labored creation. Instead of reporting the game, he seems to be saying, ”Hey everybody, look at me! Wait till you hear this one! Ain’t I clever?”
Zumoff has coined so many catch phrases that he assaults the poor listener with what seems like scripted inserts. I mean Marv Albert has “Yes,” and Dick Enberg has “Oh, my,” but one catch phrase is not enough for Zu. No, Zumoff seems to have an endless supply of them. Now, when I watch a 76ers game on TV, I feel like I am under continuing attack with Marc’s precious and predictable “Zumoffisms.” Instead of reporting the game – which he once did so well – he postures and preens by churning out his stash of in-game clichés. He makes it painful to listen to the telecasts.
Here’s a list of Zumoffisms, right off the top of my head:
takes him to the weight room
turning garbage into gold
mining for gold
lock all windows and doors
in among the trees
bust a move
heaves it down
Yes! or Yesss! or YESSSSSS! or OH, YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
That’s nine of them. I’ll bet there are at least nine more.
If Zumoff could get back to making the game about the game, instead of about him, watching the 76ers on TV could become fun again. But for now, Zu is both predictable and heavy handed (heavy mouthed?). Sad to say, he’s made himself more important than the game.
P.S. While we’re on the subject of sports announcing, let me just say: Bob Salmi must go! His relentlessly preachy commentary is so tiring, so tedious. I’ll bet you weren’t aware of this little known fact: basketball was not invented by Dr. James Naismith, or even by Stephen A. Smith. No, it was Salmi. Just ask him.
Now I know how it feels to be a “Teflonic,” a member of the “Gang of Six,”
or the newly minted, “Gilbuckle.”
Yes, I’ve been slammed by the over friendly Master, Bill Conlin. The Big Man, once a fireballing columnist, but now throwing slider speed slop out of the bullpen, who, upon receiving a complementary posting of my new blog, wrote this: “Took it, blocked it and now will never miss it. . .” Thanks, Big Man, makes me feel all warm and toasty.
So, let’s begin. Let’s begin with the most painful, grating, puerile announcing work ever to be foisted upon us fans. Of course, I’m referring to the horrid mutterings of Gary (The Sarge) Matthews, alleged color man for Phillies telecasts. Ordinarily, I’d demote the Sarge to Private, but his work is so bad, I have to drum him out of the service with a Dishonorable Discharge. Now that I think of it, Matthews pollutes the airwaves with a putrid stream, no, make that a river, of nasty discharges.
During yesterday’s telecast (Phils v. Padres, Sunday, May 4th) I counted the number of times Matthews used his favorite crutch – “ACTUALLY.” He actually used “actually” 14 (!) times in 3 innings. Just be thankful he isn’t doing all 9 innings like last year. His “actually’s” would total 42. Hard to believe, Harry.
But, wait, there’s more. Matthews never seems to connect the beginning of a thought with a conclusion. He wanders all over the tortured outfield of his mind. And he doesn’t simply have a grasp of the obvious, no, he has a choke hold. Get this: Referring to former pitcher Mike Krukow: ”He’s got a vineyard where they actually make wine out there.” Brilliant. Or how about this juicy bit of reporting, referring to the Giants’ Emmanuel Burriss scoring on a close play at the plate: “He actually got his foot in there and made it easy – not easy – for the umpire to see.” Inane to the Nth.
What’s a fan to do? I’ve tried muting Matthews, but that really doesn’t work. So, sadly, I’ve given-up the Phils telecasts during Matthews’ time – the 3rd through the 5th innings. I am, however, getting more (vin) yard work done while listening to the radio broadcast of the very adequate Scott Franske.
In parting, I would like to sing the Sarge outta here: na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye.
PC – Post’s Coming: Rob Brooks – Phillies Director of Broadcasting, must follow Matthews out the door. Marc Zumoff and his clutch (crutch) of cliched announcing. Ed Moran gets it right – He’s the only person in the 6th largest city in America to know that Danny Briere prefers to be called Daniel. Thank you, Eduardo!