Raul Ibanez: A Torn Abdomen. Who Knew? Certainly Not Philly’s Sportswriters

Did you see this week’s Sports Illustrated piece on Raul Ibanez?  Seems he has a tear in his abdomen.  I wonder how he can play through the pain?  I wonder even more why our hometown Knights of the Keyboards (Ted Williams’ famous derogatory slur aimed at Boston’s beat writers) couldn’t uncover this information?  The gulf between Ibanez’ pre and post injury production is obvious and we all figured something was wrong, but who really knew? No one told us. This isn’t just a lapse in coverage, this isn’t just a blunder, mistake or omission, this is a major failure to uncover critical information that even a grade B group of writers should have reported. This casts serious doubt on the quality of sports reporting in our town. Apparently, we have a championship baseball team and a bush league group of sportswriters. Bad work, boyz, bad work.

The Top Nine List: Philly’s Most Annoying Sports Personalities

The Top Nine Most Annoying Philadelphia Sports Personalities

What is it about the number 10?  I’m tired of it; it’s so predictable.  So, I’m going with my Top Nine Most Annoying Philadelphia Sports Media Personalities.

#1 – Barkann, Michael.  Comcast SportsNet

By acclimation, Barkann could sweep all nine spots for himself.  No one in the Philadelphia sports media community is more of a huckster, so tirelessly, so aggressively, so LOUDLY in love with his own wonderfulness.  Michael B. –  The Barkmeister!  The Barkenenema! The Barkann’t Stop Talking About Me, Mister!  Look at me, look at me, oh please, please, please look at me.  Love me.  Love me.  Love me.

#2 – Fadool, Amy. Comcast SportsNet

OK, camp tryouts are over.  She did her best.  Fadool tried really, really hard. But if viewers need subtitles to understand her marble-mouthed utterances, and if she mis-speaks on every single broadcast, then it’s time to go.  I mean I have seen her stop in mid-sentence –more than once – to try a second time to say what she wanted to say the first time.  It’s an insult to sports fans to have to wade through such annoying, incompetent work. One more note about Fadool.  She needs to hire a fact checker.  On the night of September 3rd, when Ryan Howard drove in his 113th run of the season, Fadool reported he had driven in his ‘112th.’  This kind of error is like a print journalist not using spell-check; there’s no excuse for getting it wrong.  That’s just bad work.  Fadool needs to leave the yard. She’s gotta be OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!

#3 – Matthews, Gary. Comcast SportsNet

How painfully bad is this dude?  I’ve chronicled his awful-awful-awful work in other posts. What makes Matthews so horrible, and his horrible work so unforgiveable, is that he doesn’t improve.  He wallows in the ooze of the pathetically bad, Ad infinitum. His grasp of the obvious is so strong that he chokes ‘obvious’ to death.  Bring in the coroner for “The Sarge.”   And, Dear Lord, he never stops talking.  He goes on and on and on and on babbling about nothing, tell us nothing, making sense of nothing. And so, I am denied the pleasure of watching the Phillies broadcasts with sound for one-third of every game.  I have to ‘mute’ the television for my emotional well-being.  But, in the interests of making an up-to-date report, I forced myself to watch the middle-three of last night’s game against the Giants – a Phillies 1-0 victory, a gem of a game pitched by Cole Hamels.

Here are three of Matthews’ more memorably stupid, incomprehensible babblings:

1.  On Ryan Howard running the bases:  “He should be able to move with his feet.” I suppose moving with your elbows didn’t occur to the Sarge.

2.  On the work of shortstops: “Shortstop is the busiest position.  You have line drives. You have grounders.  You have pop-ups.”   Now that’s deep.  That’s incisive commentary. That’s analysis of the highest order.

3.  On Winning Road Games:  “In most cases, it’s always difficult to win on the road.” Golly, I’d sure like to know those cases where it’s sometimes easy to win on the road.

Lastly, I’ve (sadly) memorized a beauty of a Raul Ibanez home run call by Matthews. It went like this:  “That’ got a little more distance than it’s goin’.”  Just a little more, indeed.

#4 – Gudel, Leslie. Comcast SportsNet

It would seem to me, outsider that I am, that the first rule of broadcasting is to have a pleasing voice.  But our Leslie’s voice could make serene the sound of group blackboard scratching by the entire population of South Philadelphia. Turning down the volume doesn’t help, at least not much.  If you simply must listen, then it’s crucial to put away your china and glassware.

#5 – Missanelli, Mike. ESPN Radio

He’s our Mikey of Eternal Anger. Missanelli must be so unhappy. Maybe his daddy was mean to him. Missanelli is a tireless bore who, by definition, is totally predictable.The only question is when he’ll get fired.  The over/under is six months.

#6 – Charry, Rob.  WIP Radio

I just went online to have a first look at this guy.  You know how radio personalities never look like you think they will?  Well, here’s a notable exception. He looks crazed and upset.  Angry Rob is second only to Missanelli because he gets so much less air time.  But this dude is perpetually pissed-off, and equally perpetually dull, hollow and humdrum. A nasty man.

That’s it.  I’m done.  I will not continue my self-flagellation with three more paragraphs. But I will honor my commitment by filling out the roster.

#7 – Kram, Mark. Philadelphia Daily News – Does this man have a pulse?

# 8 – Spadaro, Dave.  Eagles Digest – His cloyingly transparent kiss-ass defense of everything Eagles, no matter how smelly rotten it is, would make syrup angry. Have you ever witnessed a more pathetic wannabe jock sniffer?   Oh you have?

Well, then, that would be Mr. High School Harry, aka #9 – Clark, John. NBC10-TV

There you have it:  the nine most annoying sports personalities in Philly.  Bring me some Maalox.  Hurry.

P.S.  I know.  I know. No Eskin. No Cataldi.  Cataldi deserves his very own slap-him-upside-the-head page, all by himself.  On the other hand, many of you love to hate Eskin.  I understand. His arrogance, his condescending in your face superior mien, is hard to take.  No, it’s often impossible to take.  But compare him to the other radio sports talkers, and I think you must agree:   no one gets more scoops, no one gets better guests, no one does better interviews, no one goes into the clubhouses and locker rooms, no one does his homework like H. Eskin.  Irascible Howie delivers the goods.