FAAAABSUT – First Annual Admitted and Alleged All-BS (Banned Substances) Users Team

Baseball’s Steroid Era has engendered two opposed responses.  The first is from reporters, who write with hand clasping, mouth drooling, tsk-tsking eagerness to expose and condemn every possible violator of baseball’s substance abuse policy.  The second is from fans, who don’t care a whit about steroids, don’t care who used what, and, yawn, wish the reporters would just stop their blathering.

But out of this mess, it suddenly occurs to me that we have before us a “juicy” opportunity to take this steroid debacle and put it to good use.  And that good use is to obliterate the artificial and fake import attached to the annual All-Star game.  Yes, let’s put the the delight of exhibition back into what was and should be an exhibition game, a game for fun, without the fake and silly Selig rule that usurps the importance of achievement throughout an entire season.

So, how do we do that?  By selecting an All-Star team composed of admitted and alleged users of banned substances and an opposing team , composed of “clean” players, clean meaning that either those players have not cheated or just haven’t been caught yet.  Just think about it:  The First Annual Admitted and Alleged All BS (Banned Substance) Users Team (FAAAABSUT) vs. a Clean Team. We’ll give the game a new subtitle:  Users vs. Cleanies.

No longer will the Selig’s of the world be left to arbitrarily invent such preposterous nonsense as to make an exhibition game actually count for something important. Now, we’d have a game with clear implications:  that non-users can beat the users. It would be kind of like the “Miracle on Ice” Olympic game between the USA and the Soviet Union. You’d have “good guys” and “bad guys,” though which was which would depend on your political persuasion.

The game would be hard-fought.  The Cleanies would be out to prove they are the better team, a winning team without the need to inject, rub, apply, or swallow performance-enhancing drugs.  And opposing them, the Users would be just as determined to show they are a winning team, that their tainted consumption actually works, that all the acne and anger and exploding head sizes was worth the trouble.

Just to move the idea along, I have made a 25-man roster of Users – those who have either admitted to or been suspected of using PED’s.  I don’t claim that my team will be the best of the worst abusers, and I’d be happy to have your suggestions as to who should be on the squad.  Oh, by the way, please don’t take issue with the fact that some of my selections have long ago retired.  I plan to pump them full of the latest pharmaceuticals to get them in tip-top playing shape.

OF – Barry Bonds (Team Captain), Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa, Gary Sheffield, Juan Gonzalez, Lenny Dykstra, David Justice

1B – Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero, David Ortiz

2B  – Brett Boone, Brian Roberts

SS  – Miguel Tejada

3B  -Alex Rodriguez, Troy Glaus

C  – Mike Piazza, Ivan Rodriguez

Pitchers –  Roger Clemens (Starter), Andy Pettitte, Eric Gagne, Paul Byrd, Ryan Franklin, Mike Stanton, JC Romero, John Rocker

Finally, since this is my list, I’m going to add a “Commissioner’s Choice,” and pick a 26th man.  Who else but Jose Canseco?

P.S.  New information necessitates a worthy addition to the “Users” club:  Bronson (I’ll Ingest Anything) Arroyo – Batting Practice Pitcher.