Gary Matthews - Discharge the Sarge

So, let’s begin.  Let’s begin with the most painful, grating, puerile announcing work ever to be foisted upon us fans. Of course, I’m referring to the horrid mutterings of Gary (The Sarge) Matthews, alleged color man for Phillies telecasts.  Ordinarily, I’d demote the Sarge to Private, but his work is so bad, I have to drum him out of the service with a Dishonorable Discharge.  Now that I think of it, Matthews pollutes the airwaves with a putrid stream, no, make that a river, of nasty discharges.  

During yesterday’s telecast (Phils v. Padres, Sunday, May 4th) I counted the number of times Matthews used his favorite crutch - “ACTUALLY.”   He actually used “actually” 14 (!) times in 3 innings. Just be thankful he isn’t doing all 9 innings like last year. His “actually’s” would total 42.  Hard to believe, Harry.

But, wait, there’s more.  Matthews never seems to connect the beginning of a thought with a conclusion. He wanders all over the tortured outfield of his mind.  And he doesn’t simply have a grasp of the obvious, no, he has a choke hold.  Get this:  Referring to former pitcher Mike Krukow:  ”He’s got a vineyard where they actually make wine out there.”  Brilliant.  Or how about this juicy bit of reporting, referring to the Giants’ Emmanuel Burriss scoring on a close play at the plate: “He actually got his foot in there and made it easy - not easy - for the umpire to see.” Inane to the Nth.

What’s a fan to do?  I’ve tried muting Matthews, but that really doesn’t work. So, sadly, I’ve given-up the Phils telecasts during Matthews’ time - the 3rd through the 5th innings. I am, however, getting more (vin) yard work done while listening to the radio broadcast of the very adequate Scott Franske.

In parting, I would like to sing the Sarge outta here: na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye.

PC - Post’s Coming:  Rob Brooks - Phillies Director of Broadcasting, must follow Matthews out the door. Marc Zumoff and his clutch (crutch) of cliched announcing.  Ed Moran gets it right - He’s the only person in the 6th largest city in America to know that Danny Brier prefers to be called Daniel. Thank you, Eduardo!